Sunday, August 15, 2010

We're baaack!

The Mister and I have returned from our whirlwind month of travel. We now have a little over 3 weeks left in this country, and we plan to stay put as much as possible during that time.

I'd like to think of myself as a tolerant person. I can pretty much roll with the punches. In my old age, I'm getting less and less spontaneous, but I'm working on that. But there were a few things I noticed on our trips these past few weeks that I really just can't put up with anymore. Here are the top 5 things that should be avoided at all costs--especially when traveling.

5. T-shirts with a message. I'm not talking about the Bono-inspired "Save the Whales" kind of messages. I mean the ones that have full sentences that are meant to be snarky, but they're just annoying.

like this beaut. We saw it more times than I'd like to admit while we were traveling.

Granted, there are plenty of baby onesies that have messages like "My mom's hotter than you mom," and some of those can be annoying in their own way, but for the most part they're cute because they're on a baby.

I mean, really. Who wouldn't put this on their baby?

But if you are old enough to form complete, coherent sentences, I don't want to know whether this is your happy face or not. I'm not trying to make you get your flying monkeys, I'm just trying to enjoy my day without having to wonder whether you're really as big a tool as you look or not.

4. Ill-fitting bras. You know what I'm talking about. Mama's a DD, but she's wearing a C, so her cup is literally running over and it is NAS.TY.

you know what I'm talking about

I have seen more tank-top wearing busty ladies who seem to think the phrase "less is more" doesn't apply to the upper chestal region. I guess I can't blame them. What's sexier than the 4 boob look?

3. Inappropriate/gratuitous cell phone conversations in inappropriate places. Call me old-school, but I think that phone conversations should stay private. If you must talk in public, keep your voice down, and keep your conversation short. I don't want to hear all about how crazy drunk you were on your last night in New York as I ride a bus to Washington D.C. I don't need to know what your baby's diaper looked like while I'm buying a sandwich at Publix. There's no need for everyone to know how annoying you think her boyfriend is and how badly she needs to dump him while I'm waiting in line for an amusement park ride. All of those are conversations I was made privy to over the past month.

I'm going to catch flak about this, I just know

Before you jump down my throat, let me clarify: I understand that some people never get to see family, so cell phone conversations are the only conversations they get to have with dear ol' dad from time to time. When the opportunity arises, please answer the call. Just make sure you find yourself a corner away from other people so that we don't all have to hear about how frustrating your doorman is.

Another clarification: I'm not a creeper eavesdropper. I don't go out of my way to listen to people's conversations. All of the conversations I have mentioned were overheard while standing an acceptable distance from the person in front of me, or while being held hostage in a bus/train seat and hurtling down the highway/rails at high speeds.

2. Ignoring posted signs. I've worked with the public before, and I understand how infuriatingly annoying it is to answer a question that can be easily answered by reading the signs posted to avoid having to answer the VERY QUESTION YOU'RE ASKING!! I try to make a point of looking for signs or maps and reading them carefully before asking a question. What can I say. I aim to please.

Obviously, I'm willing to make exceptions.

I cannot tell you how annoying it is for me to have to witness someone dealing with an irate nincompoop who is blaming them for an easily avoided situation.

Lemme give you a for-instance: Universal doesn't allow you to take bags/purses on their rides, so they provide lockers in which you can store your things while you enjoy the thrills. (side note: their lockers are free, where as the lockers at Six Flags are going to cost you, every time. Well done, Universal) It's a pretty handy system. They've made it as easy as possible. There's no key to keep up with, and you can store your bag for the entire day for a fee that isn't ridiculously exorbitant. You just have to follow the directions on the touch screen.

Well apparently that was a little too hard for one fellow thrill seeker. I got to witness her meltdown as she cursed out the poor kid who was manning the door to the locker room. Despite her insistence that there wasn't a single locker available for her to use --"Not a single one, and I think it's ridiculous that you require we use your lockers, but you don't provide enough lockers for people to use!" she said -- as I watched at least 5 people who had just emptied their lockers try to squeeze by.

The very polite and patient Universal worker kindly pointed out what an idiot the woman was, and she was thoroughly embarrassed--though she never apologized for holding up the 10 people waiting in line behind her or for being so rude to the guy. She had, in fact, not followed the directions correctly and had somehow rented two lockers at the same time, so when she tried to rent a third, the system wouldn't let her. This entire episode could have been avoided if she had just READ THE FRIGGIN' SIGNS!!

1. Stopping in the middle of a walkway. I realize that plans change, and you've got to change your trajectory unexpectedly. But if you're going to have to do a 180, or you've got to stop to read a map/text message/batch of directions, MOVE TO THE SIDE and then stop. I lost count of how many people I was broadsided by because they weren't aware of their surroundings.

Oh, excuse me!

And my favorite was when THEY ran into me, I was the one who gets the angry glare! Like it was my fault! If you run into me, apologize and move along, don't give me the stink eye!

Vicariously yours,

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